Plumbing The Depths

I handed the plumber the cheque. He had repaired my leaking hot water cistern three weeks after the date he’d promised and his bill was only two and a half times more that I thought it would be so I had got off comparatively lightly. He put the cheque in his wallet, pushing aside a wad of notes thick enough to choke a donkey to make room for it, then went on his way as happy as a sandboy, or maybe that should be as happy as a plumber since plumbers are probably a lot happier than sandboys nowadays, leastwise they should be, the prices they charge.
If I were asked to offer just one piece of advice to school-leavers as to which career to take up I would tell them to rid their minds of all thoughts of entering the world of Information Technology and other computer-based vocations, and become a plumber. The advice, should things carry on the way they have been doing for the past fifteen or so years, would be ignored. I don’t have access to the official figures but I would be very surprised if they weren’t something like ‘School-leavers wishing to sit at a computer with a mouse, thousands and thousands’, ‘School-leavers wishing to sit at a cistern with a spanner, nil’. But why? Plumbers have got everything, but everything, going for them. The customer is entirely at his mercy. He can come and go whenever he pleases, and does. He can tell you that he’s definitely coming on Monday and turn up indefinitely on Friday, and does. And if and when he does come he can charge you as much as he likes, and does. He can make a fortune, and does. Mine turned up in a this year’s registration BMW with a ‘My other car is a Rolls-Royce’ sticker in the back window and I’m not at all sure he was kidding. 

And becoming a plumber is comparatively, even ridiculously, easy. It takes no great talent. It isn’t, as they say, rocket science. Just a very basic knowledge of mathematics, a reasonably fit body, a little mechanical aptitude and the ability to drink gallons of tea. Even a plumber with only the most basic plumbing skills can make for himself a very handsome living indeed, especially if he’s mastered the only thing absolutely necessary if one is to become a successful plumber – the sharp intake of breath. This is the device which allows him, without question, to multiply the cost of whatever he is doing by a factor of between 2 and 10, depending upon the degree of sharpness exhibited in the intake of breath, and how much shaking of the head and tut-tutting accompanies it. We’ve all been there -
YOU: So how much is it going to set me back then?”
PLUMBER: (A SHARP INTAKE OF BREATH ACCOMPANIED BY MUCH SHAKING OF THE HEAD AND TUT-TUTTING) Well it’s a bigger job than what it looks.
Goodbye that weekend in the Lake District you thought you could afford.
About a minute after the plumber had gone he was back at the front door. He had his bill in his hand. I thought I’d paid him an arm and a leg but I was wrong, I’d only paid him an arm. The leg was to come. It came. “I forgot to charge you VAT,” he said. “Sorry.” Not as sorry as me he wasn’t.