Cassie

    About a year ago I started to take my daughter’s dog Cassie out for a daily walk. Prior to this I don’t think the bitch got out of the house very often – the dog, not my daughter, my daughter needs only the slightest excuse to get out of the house as long as the excuse isn’t walking the dog. Every time I saw Cassie she had her nose pressed to the window, probably wondering why there weren’t any settees or TV sets or curtains out there, things she is familiar with.     

    It is quite impossible for Cassie to pass another dog without having a sniff at its arse. She has a sniff at every single one. If dogs’ arses were drugs Cassie would be the world champion sniffer dog. She is an average-sized dog, a crossbreed, half collie, half something which surprised her mother. So some dogs are much bigger than her, some much smaller, but this doesn’t make any difference to Cassie, they all get their arses sniffed regardless of their size. If it’s a Great Dane whose arse is to be sniffed Cassie simply gets up on her hind legs with her front legs on the Great Dane’s buttocks to do it, if it’s a chihuahua or dachshund which happens to be the designated sniffee she drops to her knees in order to carry out the dirty deed.(Actually I’ve never seen her smell the arse of a chihuahua, I just put that in to prove to myself that I can spell chihuahua without having to consult a dictionary)

    The dogs having their arses smelled by Cassie also smell Cassie’s arse at the same time of course. This would appear to be the protocol in doggy world. When they do this they go round and round in circles, at least a couple of times, up to a dozen for a really ripe arsehole. Why they do this, why they don’t just stand there and have a good sniff, I’m not sure, but I suspect it’s because each of the dogs are just a little bit fearful that the other dog, instead of sniffing at its arse, gives it a good bite instead, and being on the move makes this much harder to accomplish.

    When I’m out walking Cassie I don’t, like so many other dog walkers, carry a plastic bag with me to pick up its turds. The day I have to do that is the day that Cassie goes back to spending her time with her nose pressed to the window all day. I know I’m being environmentally incorrect but I just can’t bring myself to walk around carrying a bag of dog shit. I mean can you imagine if one time I’m walking along with a bag of dog shit in my hand and I bumped into Kristin Scott Thomas? Apart from the embarrassment it would probably ruin my chances with her for ever. Anyway I live very close to open countryside so Cassie is a farmer’s field shitter not a pavement or public park shitter, so I feel quite justified.